A Visit to the Gay Library

20 Mar

After reading that the extreme homophobe Fred Phelps died, I decided to dig up my humorous essay “A Visit to the Gay Library,” which I wrote back when I dwelled in Topeka (which I renamed Bigotville), Kansas (which I renamed the Twilight Zone). (And for the record, the only reason I moved there was because an uncle died and left me a Craftsman-style house.)

I half expected this article to announce that a family member discovered that Fred Phelps had a close full of gay porn. After all, for someone to be that overtly and openly and actively homophobic, surely he was deeply in the closet. He protests too much. It’s a theory, anyway.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/fred-phelps-preached-hate-but-his-death-is-no-reason-to-celebrate/2014/03/20/0fd06408-b050-11e3-95e8-39bef8e9a48b_story.html?tid=pm_pop

This is the essay:

A Visit to the Gay Library

After work today I went to the Gay Library. Out in front were picketers with big bold signs displaying black letters like, “GOD HATES FAGS” and “GAY LIBRARY.” I’ve been to this library several times before and saw the picketers, but I had never noticed the “GAY LIBRARY” sign until now. It made me feel so hot and bothered, but I drove past and walked into the Gay Library anyway.

I went down the hall, past the Gay Library Book Store and into the Gay Café, where all these homosexuals were sitting at little round tables and necking. I mean eating and talking. I got myself some gay scones and some gay muffins. They were cold by now, at this time of day, but I’ll bet the pastries were flaming early this morning. After I paid for these, I went back down the hallway and past the checkout desk, where I considered saying loudly, “Hey, did you know this is the Gay Library?” Of course those check-out clerks would know, since they must be a bunch of fags, fag hags, and lesbos.

I walked up to a computer and looked up a few things on the online public access catalog. I found some strange stuff, let me tell you. There’s a book in this Gay Library that’s called Homophobia: a History. Don’t you know, these gay librarians have the audacity to even keep a book about homophobia in relation to Judeo-Christian culture. The nerve of them. They even have history books like Passions Between Women and Out of the Past. The very idea—suggesting that such things have been going on for centuries and are something other than abnormal.

Here’s something really scary: the Gay Library has aisles of art books, in this 700 section of the Dewey system. Those 700s should just be removed from the Dewey system—they’re just terrible. All that art is dangerous for the mind. I’ll bet it’s mostly gay art, since this is the Gay Library. They must have pictures of nude statues, like those ancient Greeks. I heard that Michelangelo was a fag. They must have books on his art. The list of gay artists has got to be endless, since artists are dangerous people who think for themselves and are, horrors, creative in ways other than breeding children, like they think they’re the one and true god or something.

Altogether, a public library is a dangerous place. It’s for people who think, people who are curious, people who want to learn more, and for that very reason it’s the Gay Library. It wouldn’t do for people to think for themselves or to seek knowledge or learning. Terrible. They might want to do something like change the world. Next things they’ll be asking for is world peace and equal rights. I’ll bet this Gay Library even has books on those things.

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