Tag Archives: socializing

A Dream about being Lonely with Company

22 Nov

I dreamed that I was out in an urban area that particularly featured a parking garage. Actually, the parking garage was early in the dream. I was in it, maybe wandering around, when I met a guy I knew—he was tall and had dark hair and was maybe in his thirties. I think that in the dream I was thirtyish, too. Something was going on that caused many people to be showing up at the parking garage. They were gathering to see something, to watch a spectacle of some sort. We talked and I think agreed to hang out in a particular part of the garage, which was above ground and all grey concrete swirls. But I think he disappeared.

Later, I was walking around on a sidewalk with two female friends—we were all young and at least one of them was someone I knew in elementary, junior high, and high school: Kelly Zander.

Twice while I was supposed to be with those two, I fell behind and walked with a couple of women in their sixties or so. They assumed that I was alone, and I didn’t correct them but didn’t know why, really. The two young friends didn’t notice when I wasn’t with them; I saw them walking and talking animatedly with each other.

The second time I was with the older women, we’d been walking on a sidewalk, and this led to a series of concrete steps. We started walking up them, and I was watching my two young friends who were below and to the left—in a sort of park—of this sort of bridge we were on. I fell about four or five feet behind, so one of the older women paused and called, “Susan?” She turned and saw me, I started catching up, and she said, “I was worried about you.”

As I continued following the older women, I kept looking to my left, making sure I didn’t lose my young friends, who continued laughing and talking and showing no concern for my absence.

Once I’d gotten up and down the concrete stairs and lost track of the older women, I saw my young friends and I walked down a concrete ramp to reach them.

When I finally caught up, we were in an area covered in about four inches of slushy snow. The two young women were laughing and making paths in the snow by pushing it around with their feet.

I felt sad, alienated, left out—because they hadn’t missed me and now ignored me. They seemed as though they could care less if I was around.

 

It seems like I was detached from these friends. As for the older ones, we had only just met, so we could hardly be called friends, and I had no intention of staying with them. Maybe it’s just one of my socially awkward dreams, and I have a lot of those. I think the ages were significant, because I’m between the ages of the two groups of two.

Feminism before Buddhism

18 Aug

I’m not sure quite how to write this without sounding like I’m making gross generalizations. Just bear in mind that I am generalizing based on experiences spanning over a decade.

I noticed back in my thirties that I generally need to be on my guard with Buddhists. They generally tend to be judgmental and holier-than-thou. I can’t be myself around Buddhists. I need to hide my emotions around them—though I’ve had my fill of that, thanks to relatives and frenemies from my past. In theory, Buddhism is about observing your emotions rather than acting upon them… or suppressing them. Admittedly, when I describe these sanctimonious Buddhists, I’m not referring to meditation instructors, monks, or nuns; I’m only referring to laypeople who aren’t trained meditation instructors.

With feminists, I can generally be myself, speak more openly, and let my emotions show. Buddhists claim to be kind and compassionate, but I generally find feminists truly are kind and compassionate, not to mention empathic and tolerant, good listeners. I’ve even left two so-called Buddhist sanghas because I found myself surrounded by anti-vegetarian bullies.

Buddhists often have a sanctimonious attitude that you should be kind and patient and compassionate toward your abusers and people like them. If I thought Buddhism was about humoring sexual harassers, as one Buddhist lectured, I’d have ditched Buddhism. That was back in 2007, and here I am, finally doing it.

Under patriarchy, systemic misogyny, and systemic racism, our society has been entirely too kind and compassionate toward abusers and not sufficiently kind and compassionate toward survivors and scapegoats and the vulnerable. This society rewards sexual predators and punishes survivors for speaking up.

I’ve always prioritized feminism over everything, including Buddhism. I prefer feminism and secular humanism to religion. Feminism is a passion for social justice. I have met some feminist Buddhists, and I can be myself around most of them, so there are exceptions.

In this patriarchal society, I’ve been gaslighted and invalidated and treated dismissively since early childhood (and yes, I acknowledge that all women and people of marginalized genders can say the same). I don’t think it’s okay for Buddhism or any religion to perpetuate this. In theory, Buddhism shouldn’t have a patriarchal and misogynistic slant; in practice, it’s another story.

Recently, a Buddhist friend at least seemed to chastise me for resenting narcissists and sociopaths from my past. She claims you should have compassion for narcissists and sociopaths. She even claims that because of a new theory that pedophiles are wired to be pedophiles, we should have compassion for them. Misogyny is mainstream, and there’s an international epidemic of rape and violence against women and girls; but she’s obsessed with having compassion for abusers.

I gave narcissists and sociopaths endless compassion for decades, in exchange for which they used me and abused me psychologically. No, they’re NOT entitled to use and abuse people. And no, after forty-five years of being used and abused by narcissists and sociopaths, I shouldn’t have to pretend they aren’t evil. Because they ARE evil.

I’m not ashamed of having emotions that are a natural response to all those years of psychological abuse and lies, and I don’t appreciate Buddhists shaming me, just as I don’t appreciate toxic relatives or frenemies shaming me and victim-blaming.

I’m finally no longer bending over backwards and practicing self-negation for psychological abusers. I’m finally paying attention to my own needs and boundaries and attempting to practice self-care. I finally know that I’m a psychic empath and am taking my intuition seriously. The last thing I need is to associate with someone who shames me for this. I’m never going back.

Over a decade ago, I drove nearly 2,000 miles to escape toxic relatives around whom I couldn’t be myself; I had to hide my emotions, opinions, and beliefs. Yet I repeatedly find that I must do the same around Buddhists, or they’re dismissive, sanctimonious, and judgmental. I’m socially uncomfortable with them. Now I’m as wary of organized religion as I was before I became Buddhist. The fact that I can’t be myself around Buddhists should have been a sign long ago.

It’s time I ditch Buddhism and resume being just a feminist and Neopagan. I’ll continue meditating and reading Buddhist books, such as those by Sharon Saltzberg. However, I can’t be around Buddhists. I’ve known for a long time that I prioritize feminism above Buddhism. I know which is more ethical and validating.